It’s been one year since I posted..What changed? Got my voice back.
I spend a lot of the time, and when I say a lot, I mean most of my time, with myself, thinking and talking to myself of course.
And frankly, I like it. I honestly enjoy the time that I spend by myself. I have fun, I’m laughing at myself and my private jokes, as I call them, all the time. I am weird an I love it. My mind is a wonderful place. That’s why most of the people that know me, say that I spend a lot of the time with my head in the clouds. I’ts true, not going to deny it.
Spending time alone is kind of like recharging batteries. A must for me.
So like I said, I loveee spending time by myself. And I believe that I will always be the person who needs to move away from social life from time to time.
But I can’t anymore.
I am so tired.
I am tired of feeling lonely. I am tired of making myself so busy with things that I don’t think about the fact that I haven’t hugged my friends in a long time. I am tired of not seeing kids in the kindergarden and their smiles when they run up to me with their arms so wide you’d think the whole world is getting a hug.
I am tired of not letting myself feel sad, angry, dissappointed. I am tired of feeling like a hypocrite for promoting the oh so happy life that I’m living. Don’t get me worng, my life IS joyful most of the time.
My life is more than amazing. I am living with the most amazing family I could have ever asked for. I have a dog that makes my heart sing, the fluffiest cat whose life goal is to purr the loudest. I am so so so grateful for them. I am grateful for the fact that I live next to the forest, listening to birds every day, seeing the most beautiful sunsests and stars at night. Oh the stars..
I have it all and I am not happy at the moment. How can that be?
I am a human being with many needs.
I need a hug. Not just one. I need to feel the love around me. And I’m not saying that I need to feel people loving me, I am talking about THE love. On a higher, universal level.
I miss seeing happy people on the streets. I miss full cafes filled with laughter. Oh how much I miss sweating on the dance floor surrounded by the people I trust. I miss observing people and making up stories about their happy, wonderful life. I miss acting silly with my friends and crying from laughter.
I’ve been feeling really amazing for the past few months, a friend of mine said that “I am on fire” lately. I felt good. Wrote a lot, learned a lot, helped a lot, have been teaching a lot, let’s not forget about me dancing around the house, cooking, baking, just fooling around with my sister… So yeah I was doing great, I mean I guess I still am, there was nothing major that affected the change in my mood.
What changed is that I have acknowledged all of my emotions. You know what suppression is? Denying and burying? Yeah I did that with my feelings.
Not sure yet what the trigger was, it might be one of the meditations or maybe the planets had something to do with it, but the craken was released. Kidding, in reality it’s not that bad.
But I have been crying a lot for the past few days. But not like break down kind of crying or not even that crying after something big and sad happens. It might sound strange to you but it straight out feels like my eyes are leaking. I know it sounds weird when I say it, but it’s just that type of a cry when you are slowly becoming aware of your surroundings and your mind just starts catching on bit by bit, and your eyes release few tears at the time.
And another thing.. I am letting myself cry and also saying out loud that it’s a normal reaction.
I am allowed to feel whatever it is that I am feeling. And I need to remind myself every once in a while.
So I am reminding you. LET YOURSELF FEEL. It’s okay to cry.
It may feel hard, you might feel alone, you might feel not worthy of these feelings, you might feel embarrassed and quite frankly loneliness is a bit*h.
And yes it can be hard, you are not alone, even though it feels like you are from time to time, you are a human being and all of the “ugly” emotions are a part of you.
Speaking about it doesn’t make you an attention seeker, it makes you brave.
There are a lot of people still suppressing whatever they are feeling because they are afraid of other people’s reactions, afraid of being called out or judged.
Let yourself feel.
Communicate with others.
Do not forget about people around you. I know you haven’t seen them in a long time, but trust me when I say this, everyone is fighting their battles. Be there for your people, show them that you care. A simple “hey, you doing okay?” can make a huge impact on their day.
My last thought regarding this post: Our lives can be amazing from many points of view and even if it is so, we are all allowed to feel all kinds of emotions, let it be positive or negative.
And take care of yourself.